Dear Logan: Once in a While

Dear Logan,

I was driving home from work and it seemed like every song that came on the radio made me think of you. I can't believe that it has been three years. I don't know where the time has gone. It doesn't hurt as much now. Although we do miss you. Sometimes, it feels as if it never happened. Almost like you weren't even real. But the hole that still seems to exist when we all gather without you reassures me that you were real.

I miss our private jokes. And the annoying way you would come and play your banjo in the living room while I was trying to watch TV. I read The Hobbit and I'm going to read The Lord of the Rings eventually. I have your copy of The Chronicles of Narnia. You know, the one I gave you for Christmas that one year. I finally finished it. I liked it but it made me think of you as I read it. You were right, I really did like Veronica Mars. I only wish I would have watched it when you recommended it to me instead of waiting until after you were gone.

I helped Mom and Dad at the rodeo this year. The last time I was at the Cook Shack, I said "I love you". Something that I normally didn't do because you didn't like affection from me. One week later, you were gone. I had no idea that I wouldn't see you again in this earthly life.

I combed you hair. I tried really hard to do it the way you liked it. As I looked at you, lying there all peaceful, it didn't look like you. It was like a hollow shell. Nobody really understood me when I said it didn't look like you. We dressed you up in your favorite suit and your wool socks even though no one would see your feet. And we said goodbye. But not for forever.

I know we will meet again.

The radio played and I started thinking about songs that make me think of you. There are a lot. I think we all have our own songs that we think of when we think of you. Today, I've been pondering a lot. It's not as bad as the first year. I cried in the parking lot of Trader Joe's while my companion patted my back.

It gets easier with every passing day, month, and year. Time really does help. Then on your anniversaries, it's like time spins backwards and I relive that week. The memories start to fade and the details get blurry but I still remember the feelings.

I know if you were reading this you would shake your head at me in that way you always did. I miss it. I guess this isn't really so much a letter to you as it is to me. I've wanted to write something like this for a long time. Since that day three years ago. But it still just hurt too much. But I'm okay now. It's time.

I hope you know how much you are missed and how much you are loved. And how much, we all know that you are where Heavenly Father needs and wants you to be. Keep doing His work.

I can't wait to see you again but until then...

I love you Brother.

This is for you: