Trees of Doubt Fruit

It's hard to be a grown up.

I'm one of those people that likes to know exactly what she's doing before she does it. I don't like feeling flustered or ignorant. However, I know that life is all about learning and growing... on the spot. You can't learn and grow before you actually start life... can you?

I'm in the middle of a job search. it's really discouraging for me. Ever since I was 16, I've had a job. I've been working, making money, feeling like I'm contributing to society (as much as you can at Wendys and the local grocery store). I didn't realize how hard it would be to come back after 18 months and find a job.

In no way, shape, or form do I regret serving a mission. It was the best thing I could have ever done. The experience of sharing the gospel and talking to complete strangers and living a missionary life shaped me into who I am now. I can never regret that.

I guess my regrets stem from before that, from when I was still in college. Hindsight is 20/20. Why didn't I do an internship? Why didn't I get experience by working with people as a student? Why did I waste my time simply going through the motions of school? I'm feeling it now as I try to search for a job in my field only to feel the overwhelming shadow of lack of experience hang over my head. I have good qualities. I'm a hard worker. I'm honest and dependable. I'm good with people (at least I try to be). I have qualities like that in me. But as for being a technical writer... I got nothing. Just the assignments and projects I did in school.

There is the very heavy and very loaded question of... is this what I want to do?

All I want to do is to write. That's my passion. That's my love. Writing. Technical writing is something I do because I know I can use my skills and make a living. It's not something I love, per se, however I do enjoy it to an extent. Life is just so complicated. Today, I sat at my computer and started looking for jobs... and I felt a wave of discouragement wash over me. "Who would hire me?" I thought to myself. "What do I have to offer?"

Satan does that to us, you know. He makes us start to doubt. And then our doubts grow into big, gigantic trees full of doubt fruits that hang out in our backyard. Whenever we start to let those doubts into our head... it's like taking a big bite of the fruit from our doubt tree. And Satan just relishes it.

Heavenly Father, however, has a whole forest full of trees loaded with faith, patience, hope, and every other good thing that comes from Him (which is every good thing!). He loads a basket of good fruit and sets in on our back porch, waiting for us to open the door and take it inside. Sometimes, the hardest thing in life is opening that door. It requires faith that everything is going to work out. And that's really hard. It's something I'm struggling with right now. It's something we all struggle with every day.

I guess I struggle with forgetting where my fears really originate from.  "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 Fear doesn't come from God. It comes from Satan. I need to remember that. Heavenly Father isn't out to get me. He wants me to succeed. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to feel successful. I want to feel that way too. So I know what I need to do...

"Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." (Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf)

Yes, I have to acknowledge that finding a job is going to be much harder than I anticipated. Don't we learn that all the best things come through sacrifice and through working for them? Every day we have to work to stay on the path back to Heavenly Father. We can't just say "that's my destination" and expect to get there. We have to work for it: scripture study, prayer, church attendance, fulfilling callings, attending the temple. All of these things will keep us on that road we need to stay on, the strait and narrow way.

So fears... you can just go jump up a tree! I have Someone on my side who will help me have the faith to keep going forward. He is my Savior and Redeemer. He is the one who laid down His life so I can have mine again. He is Jesus Christ.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

This post started out as something entirely different. It was meant for me to talk about the challenges of finding a job. However, as I write I often find myself pouring out all that is in my mind. The root of my problem has been fear. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. And fear of growing up.

It's time to let the fear go.

It's time to let my faith grow.

Smile Always,

Chuck

A Hallmark Christmas

Do you know something that I missed last Christmas? ...What am I thinking? Of course you don't know. That's the whole purpose of me even writing this post.

I should probably tell you.

Something I missed last Christmas was... Hallmark movies!! (And ABC Family movies).

I know what you are probably thinking. Actually I don't. I think I need to stop being so presumptuous. Okay, here's what I think about myself for liking Hallmark channel... I'm sentimental, crazy, corny, and a romantic. :) Is this news to anyone?

I love Hallmark channel's Christmas movies the most. Granted, some are ridiculously corny and I cannot stand to watch them. For the most part though, I love them. I love the sweetness of the stories. Most of them are clean- huge plus in this day and age. I just love how at the end, now matter how corny and dorky and romantic the stories, I sit back and sigh. It's like reading a good book.

Life doesn't have to be an adventure- although sometimes it is. Haha. It's nice to have moments where life is just sweet. That's not to say that I believe that life should be a Hallmark movie... hahahaha. That's a little too corny and dorky for me. I wouldn't mind having "Hallmark moments" in my life though.

Those moments when everything seems to work. The guy and the girl... have spark. When the sweet little family is gathered around the Christmas tree and the lights are on and it's... magical. Just moments is all. I know everything can't be magic all the time... unless you live in Harry Potter's world.

I guess this causes me to reflect on the magic moments in my own life. The moment I hugged my nephew in the airport. Seeing the Christmas lights in Temple Square with mission friends. Sitting on the couch in my living room watching a movie with my mom and dad.

Sure there may not have been beautiful instrumental music playing in the background as these magic moments happened but music does not magic make... although music can be magical.

I missed the magic of Christmas last year. The magic that comes from the sweet moments with family, friends, and loved-ones. As I write this, I think of other magical moments that I had while on my mission. Sister M and I were companions at the time and we had so many magical moments together. Decorating Christmas trees for some elderly women in the ward we served in. Going caroling with the Relief Society. Making German pancakes on Christmas morning and eating them before opening our presents.

It's like that song that George Strait sings: "Life's not the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away..."


Look for those moments that take your breath away. Look for the magic in your life. Find the Hallmark corniness in your Christmas.


Smile Always,


Chuck

Happy Post-Thanksgiving

[I know that this is a couple days late but we should have "an attitude of gratitude" every day.]

My first post, which I posted on Thanksgiving day, had nothing about thanksgiving or gratitude. I feel bad about it so I thought I'd take a moment right now and express my gratitude.

As I mentioned last time (and I will continue to mention it probably for the rest of my life) I recently returned home from my mission... 11 days ago. Serving a mission was so hard for me. It pushed me outside, way outside, of my comfort zone and it took me away from the things I knew best. However, despite the difficulties that came, all the growing pains, and all the heartache that came from serving a mission... I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to serve my Father in Heaven. I made mistakes (I'm only human) but I learned from them. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my mission and all the many people that I met and taught and learned from while I was there. I am grateful for all of them too. Without this amazing and incredible experience, I would not be who I am now. I like who I am now... and who I am becoming...

I have to express my gratitude for my family. They were so supportive of me while I gone. My mother wrote me a letter every week. My dad frequently told me how proud he was of me. My siblings didn't forget about me. I would not have made it without their prayers and support. For that I am so thankful. I know that God blessed me with this family for a reason. We may not be what we term "nomal" (yes, purposely miss-spelled) but we love each other and we support each other in our righteous efforts.  

Along with my family, I am grateful for my friends. Their love and support of me has been so tremendous. And I am grateful that we can still maintain such great relationships even 18 months (or nearly 3 years) later.

Lastly, I want to mention my gratitude for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. This ties in a lot with my mission. For it is on my mission that I learned how the Gospel has really and truly blessed my life. I had the extreme good fortune and blessing to be born and raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint... I was born of goodly parents who taught me about Jesus Christ, took me to church every week, and helped me plant that seed of faith. It was only a short time before I left on my mission that I allowed that seed of faith to really grow. And as I served the Lord, it blossomed and bloomed (are those the same thing?). I cannot imagine my life without the Gospel or the Book of Mormon in it. If all else fails in this life, I know that these won't. God is our loving Heavenly Father. The gospel does bless us personally and as families. When we trust in God, allow the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for us (namely the Atonement) work in our lives, we can have a peace, a joy that last far past the thrills of what the world has to offer.

I am grateful for this knowledge. I know it is true.

There you go... some of the things I am grateful for. I have many more that I can list but these few are what came to my mind as I was writing.

I also want to share one of my favorite videos with you. I love the simplicity and message it contains:

I am grateful to be alive and for the circumstances in which I have been blessed with.

What are you thankful for?

Smile Always,

Chuck

A girl named Chuck

There is a story behind the name "Chuck". That's not really my name... it's not anywhere near my real name (which is Nicole). I just recently returned home from serving a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. That's where I got the nickname "Chuck" from. My family doesn't even call me Chuck. Only a handful of people even know me as Chuck. However, I like it and I think it makes for a fun blog title- whose story I am getting around to telling.

First the story of how I got the name Chuck. As I write, I realize that the story isn't even that interesting but I think it'll help explain the title so I'm going to share it. As missionaries, we go by "Elder or Sister [insert last name]". Our identity become tied into our last name and that's who we are for 18 months to 2 years. My first three months of my mission, I served with a companion, Sister B, who liked nicknames. She searched in vain for a nickname for me. Finally after our first 6 weeks together, she settled upon "Chuck". The reason being my love for Converse All Star sneakers which I dubbed, "Chuck". I became Chuck. There were only a handful of people who called me Chuck- there was a rule about having nicknames in the mission. I wasn't very obedient with that rule, I suppose.

I had another companion, Sister M, from a foreign country who preferred Chuck over my last name... easier to say. I would always be Chuck to her. Now for the story behind the name of this blog. Being a missionary is very hard. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole 24 years of life. Sometimes, I would get so discouraged. I would just feel like it wasn't worth it. Sister M, upon seeing my discouragement, would smile at me and say to me, "Smile always Chuck". Those words would help me break through the low points and press forward. As we continued to serve around each other at various times in the proceeding 12 months, we would say it to each other. "Smile always."

I wanted to start a new blog because I'm a new person. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a hopeless romantic... don't think that will ever change. But there is a difference in who I was before and who I am now. Don't we all deserve a fresh start? This is an experiment of sorts. I don't know if this blog is going to be much different than my old one but I like the idea of a clean slate.

So who is Chuck? Chuck is a mixture of The Hopeless Romantic, my real life counterpart: Nicole, and anything else I've become in the last 18 months. I don't have a clue who I am right now or what my future holds. I guess you could say that I'm on a journey to find myself and my purpose in this world.

This is a girl named Chuck.

Smile Always,

Chuck